Debra Hamilton, Esq. is a Conflict Consultant/Coach & Mediator specializing in animal-related disputes. Her article “The Animal in the Room: Mastering Human Conflicts Over Beloved Pets” explores communication strategies for resolving pet-related conflicts.
“Pets are not our whole life,
but they make our lives whole.”
— Roger Caras
When couples separate, determining who gets the family pet can trigger emotions that rival or even exceed those in child custody disputes. As someone who has mediated hundreds of these cases, I’ve seen relationships deteriorate further over a beloved dog or cat when the conversation isn’t handled properly.
The key insight I’ve gained from working with separating couples is that pet custody decisions benefit enormously from being approached as a series of conversations rather than a single, high-stakes negotiation.
Here’s my recommended approach for anyone facing this challenging situation:
- Start with information-gathering only.
- Begin your first conversation by explicitly stating: “I’m not asking you to agree with anything today. I want to hear your perspective on our pet’s future, and I’d like to share mine.” This simple framing removes the immediate pressure and allows both parties to express their concerns without defensive positioning.
- Acknowledge emotions before solutions. Simply hearing your former partner say, “I understand that Max is important to you” can diffuse tension, even if they don’t immediately agree with your proposed arrangement. This acknowledgment creates psychological safety that allows for more productive problem-solving.
- Consider the pet’s needs first. In my mediation practice, I encourage couples to jointly create a list of their pet’s needs and routines before discussing ownership. This shifts the focus from “winning” to ensuring the animal’s wellbeing, often revealing creative solutions that neither party initially considered.
I recently worked with a couple who had been battling over their German Shepherd for months. When they finally sat down for a conversation focused solely on understanding each other’s perspectives, without pressure to decide immediately, they discovered overlapping concerns about the dog’s separation anxiety. This shared concern led them to develop a gradual transition plan with continued involvement from both owners, something neither would have considered in an adversarial negotiation.
Remember that pet custody doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. Shared custody arrangements, transition periods, and visitation schedules can work remarkably well when both parties acknowledge the importance of maintaining the pet’s relationship with both owners.
Have you experienced pet custody issues during a separation or know someone who has? What approaches worked—or didn’t work—in your situation?
